Long-haired ION Storm gaming lothario, John "The Twat" Romero, has been brutally murdered by a viscious fan with a spade handle. Romero was beaten for two solid hours by the male teenage stalker as the rest of the company team laughed and cheered encouragements to the assailant. Police arrived to find the most annoying man in the industry lying on the floor behind a wall of embarrased employees with his already mishapen head smashed as flat as a pancake. "He fucking deserved it," said Bill Whitley, the attacker. "I've been having nightmares about that cunt's hair for years now. I couldn't take it any more."

Showing behind closed doors at E3, Halo from Bungie is being fiercly guarded by company staff. Let us put you straight - this title exists, despite worried voices from the developer saying otherwise. You heard it here first. An insider claims that "they're not ready to announce it yet. I haven't got the first idea what's going on here. Hardly anyone got to see it at the show." Lordy me. What are the Bungie squad up to now? Floating angels in pretty white dresses? God only knows...